Episode 431: Build Your Village. Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life with Florence Ann Romano

Episode Summary

Florence Ann is an Author, Active Childcare Advocate, Personal Growth Strategist, a member of the Board of Directors at the Children’s Research Fund, and a founding member of Sesame Street’s Leadership Council. In this episode, Florence Ann shares her thoughts on attachment styles and how they mold our personal and romantic relationships, the link between building a village and philanthropy, and parenting tips to raise happy and successful children.

Steve Shallenberger: Welcome to our Becoming Your Best Podcast listeners wherever you may be in the world today. This is Steve Shallenberger, your host, and we are always thrilled that you take the time out to join us. So, thank you, and today, it will be worth it. I’m looking forward to our guest. She is a personal growth strategist, author, philanthropist, and businesswoman with a sparkling personality. It’s been fun visiting with her. After spending more than 15 years as a childcare provider, Florence, formerly known as the Windy City Nanny, is the authority on childcare, family, and village support in this new millennium. She was born and raised just outside of Chicago. She wants to show people that not only is the saying “It takes a village” true, but also how important the need for community is. Her latest book, “Build Your Village,” is a guide to finding joy and community in every stage of life. So, welcome, Florence Ann. 

Florence Ann Romano: Thank you for that beautiful introduction, Steve. I’m thrilled to be here. 

Steve Shallenberger: Well, before we get going, I want to tell you just a little bit more about Florence. With an eye for marketing, Florence Ann flourishes as both an advisor and the Vice President of Business Strategy for Yackety Yak. A proud member of the Board of Directors at the Children’s Research Fund and Female Strong, she’s also a founding member of Sesame Street’s Leadership Council. Florence Ann has been featured on over 500 national and local media outlets. She is the lady. Let’s just get into it. Let’s hear about it. So, Florence Ann, tell us about your background, including any turning point in your life that has had a significant impact on you. 

Florence Ann Romano: Thank you for that beautiful introduction. You mentioned childcare; it was the foundation of me getting into this line of work. When I was in childcare, I was always very curious about people, the dynamics of families and children, how you raise them, how you treat people, how you treat each other, and how you show up for each other. After exploring that landscape, those little socio-economic, customized worlds that people had, I wanted to look at the proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child.” I love that. Everyone uses it—every politician in the world, Steve uses it. We’ve all heard them say it. I believe in that proverb, but I do feel that it’s very limiting. What happens if you don’t have children? Does that mean you don’t deserve a community? That really didn’t sit well with me, Steve, because, of course, you do. Of course, you deserve a community. No matter what your life looks like, your world looks like; you deserve to find your people. I would hear people all the time bemoan the idea of this village concept as so nebulous and ambiguous. How do you find these people? Do they show up at your front door with a casserole in their hand or lasagna, ready to change your baby’s diaper? How do you find your people? So, I thought to myself, during COVID, at a time when everybody on a global level knew what it felt like to lose their support systems, that was the right time to write the book to give directions to the village. As you mentioned, the book is for all seasons of your life, whether you are 18 or 80. It is a true north for you—at least, I hope the book is a true north for you—that you can always come back to, no matter what you’re going through in your life, and find your people.

Steve Shallenberger: Oh, there are so many juicy things we can talk about. I just can’t imagine everything that you’ve seen, everything that you’ve experienced. Fifteen years of being a nanny—wow!

Florence Ann Romano: You’ve got to like kids, Steve. I’ll tell you, you have to like kids in order to be a nanny. That used to drive me crazy. People would say to me, “Oh, I’ll just maybe nanny or go into childcare until I find out what I really want to do.” And I’m like, “Excuse me, but that is absolutely offensive, first of all. And second of all, do you think that that’s an easy thing to do while you figure your life out? I mean, come on. It’s the hardest job in the world. And it’s also the most rewarding, but you have got to like kids in order to do it.” 

Steve Shallenberger: Yeah, in my book, you already have a PhD in human relations. I mean, think of all the different dynamics. 

Florence Ann Romano: Thank you. I like that. I’ll take you on the road with me, Steve, and you can tell people that I’ve got a PhD in human relationships and dynamics. That’s the only way you learn about that, though—and you’ll know, Steve, from your work, look at the beautiful work you do with your podcast—is through experience, connection, and building relationships. It just doesn’t happen overnight. You can’t be in a bubble and expect yourself to understand how humanity works. 

Steve Shallenberger: I’m excited to dive into your insights. Let’s just start off with some really important parts of this discussion. So, do you mind sharing with me and our listeners what attachment styles are and how we develop those?

Florence Ann Romano: It’s funny, we usually think of attachment styles in regard to romantic relationships. There are attachment styles for romantic relationships, certainly, but they also apply to platonic relationships. Unlike a personality test, an attachment style has to do with your emotional attachment to your relationships based on your past experiences. What really intrigues me about that is that we tend to start forming those attachment styles when we’re babies, and that continues to influence our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors as we get older and participate in and engage in meaningful relationships. All of a sudden, we have these attachment styles that we didn’t even know we were developing. But being able to define it as an adult is a really important piece of the puzzle for you in figuring out how relationships can be healthy for you. 

Steve Shallenberger: Amen. I’ve been really blessed throughout my life. One of the blessings was being married to a wonderful wife for 46 years. Then she got a terrible disease and passed away three years ago. So, that was a great experience for me. We had quite a ride. It was wonderful. So, I’ve been back in the dating world. 

Florence Ann Romano: God bless you for a lot of reasons. Oh, my goodness. 

Steve Shallenberger: But I’ve learned about these attachments that people bring all kinds of different backgrounds. Some are very secure, others are anxious, and others are avoidant. I think you turned to all of these; you discussed them—fearful, avoidant. Would you mind talking about these and one of the traits of them? And what can people do about them? 

Florence Ann Romano: I think people assume that if they have an attachment style, that is the only attachment style they ever can have. I don’t believe that. I believe that we can learn and we can grow through that evaluation. If you see something or feel something you don’t really like or doesn’t sit well with your soul, then let’s look at that and let’s make some adjustments, perhaps. We can always learn; we can always be the students still in our lives. There are four, but I’m going to focus on two very specifically, I think. The anxious attachment style is also known as preoccupied. People who fall into this category might have a hard time being single—that’s the romantic side. But for the friendship side of things, you constantly need to feel like you’re being reassured about how someone feels about you. Again, that may sound romantic, but it’s also in platonic friendships. If you don’t talk to your friend, for example, for a while, you’re like, “Oh, gosh, I wonder if they’re mad at me, or do they not care for me anymore?” You start to really get in the minutiae of that. So, that has to do with that kind of preoccupied and anxious style. Then there’s dismissive and avoidant. People sometimes put these big brick walls up, and they don’t want you necessarily to look behind the bricks; they want to keep that arm’s length because they’re worried if they let their guard down, it’s a little too vulnerable and a little too honest. They don’t want you to know them that deeply, perhaps. So, they try to, again, keep a little distance from you and really crave that independence and assertiveness.  

People who fall into that dismissive and avoidant category, especially when it comes to friendships, there seems to be a disconnect when it comes to consistency with those relationships then. They kind of self-sabotage in a way, and that can create a lot of obstacles for them to build relationships going forward because they’re always destroying and rebuilding, destroying and rebuilding, and that can become very exhausting. So, the most popular one, of course, that everyone wants to feel that they fall into is the secure attachment style. Everyone wants to say, “Nope, I’m totally fine. I have nothing to work on. I’m secure. I have the best of both worlds. I’m good.” That’s great. If you really do fall into that secure attachment style. But I’m going to tell you right now, as someone who considers themselves an expert in this personal growth category, I’m going to tell you right now that I see myself probably relating to the anxious attachment style because I tend to get a little paranoid sometimes about how people feel about me. Now, that probably is the people-pleasing side of me, and that’s a whole different rabbit hole we could go down. But I’m here to tell you that just because I write the book or someone writes any book, it doesn’t mean that they’re not working on things that they write about. We’re not perfect. We’re all trying to be that work in progress. So, for those of you out there who are listening to those attachment styles and feeling yourself may be straddling a couple, or maybe you’re a hybrid, or you’re feeling like, “I don’t know exactly where I fall, but I know I want to figure that out because I’m struggling in my relationships right now, and maybe this will help me fix some of those things.” I love that. I encourage you to explore that. Know that, again, like we just talked about in the very beginning, these things can ebb and flow and you absolutely can decide to change how your attachment style is illustrated to the world.

Steve Shallenberger: That’s a great observation. I’m so glad you’re talking about these today, Florence Ann, because they are critical to our health, our emotional health, and our physical health; they affect every part of our lives. How can a person identify what attachment style they might have?

Florence Ann Romano: That’s actually my favorite question about all of this: understanding how you vet it, and it’s going to be different for everybody. When you take the quiz or you hear me rattle off the things that I said, you’re going to start to see yourself gravitate to one or the other. As you start to define that, you’re going to also be doing some exploration from your childhood that, I think, also is very telling. Once you figure out where you are in terms of those attachment styles, you’re going to want to also understand why and where it’s coming from. It’s like a doctor diagnosing a problem or a sickness; you want to know where it stems from and what’s the root of the problem. In order for you to say, “Okay, I don’t like that I am falling into this anxious category; I want to change that.” You’ve got to figure out why you’re in that category in the first place. I’m not saying go home and blame your mother for everything. As everyone always says in therapy, the big joke is that you blame your mom for everything that’s wrong with you. Maybe talking to a professional, whether that is a therapist, whether that is a counselor in your community, or from your church, whatever it is that you feel comfortable with, is the right next step for you to explore these attachment styles in talking to someone who can help you get to the root of the problem.

Steve Shallenberger: Well, that’s important, and the stakes are high. We all reflect upon things in our own world. I’m a grandfather. We have families, we have relationships, we have work relationships, and in my case, I’m dating. I had a secure relationship. But now that I’m dating, I realize I may be a bit anxious. If I’m dating someone that’s avoidant, I’m in trouble; I’ll go on crazy.

Florence Ann Romano: But see, that’s why you date, Steve, to find out what works for you and what complements you. It’s such a blessing that you were married to your wife for as many years as you were. Also, I give you so much credit for stepping out into this next season of your life. My parents actually were married for forty years, and they’ve been divorced now for four. My dad is backdating, but my mom has not wanted to take the plunge. I’m the oldest of four kids. It’s been an interesting transition for us to watch my dad date. I wonder how your kids feel about that, too.

Steve Shallenberger: Yeah, it’s an experience with you and your dad; they just want you to be happy, and it’s moving throughout. So, I love this discussion. A lot of leadership is making a choice that regardless of what the other person is doing, you’re going to do things that help things get to a better place; you’re going to take the high road, for example. If someone lashes out at you or chooses a certain way to behave, you’re not just going to retaliate; you’re going to do something that’s better. So, what would your recommendation be to build and nurture strong relationships as you observe these different styles of attachment?

Florence Ann Romano: People always, after they read my book, hopefully, they have some new skills and some new tools to help them build those villages, but people tend to still ask me, “Well, what’s your favorite, Florence Ann? Your favorite tool in the toolbox in order to take that step and figure out the connection?” Because that’s always the big overarching theme for me in life; it’s always about connection. I always say that philanthropy is the salve to that; philanthropy, to me, is always the key to connection. Because, generally speaking, let’s say you’re someone who’s just moved to a new city, you don’t know a soul, you don’t know where to start in finding your people or building a community, I always say, “Philanthropy is the answer.” Because you can throw something into Google—the things that make your heart beat, things that make your heart flutter, look at what is offered in your community. And then you’re going to be able to go, hopefully, somewhere where you have common interests with these people who are in this room together, and that lets you let your guard down a bit more because of the common interest that you have. So, it’s two birds with one stone: you’re going to be giving back to the world; you’re going to be living a life in service of others, which is what I think life’s purpose is. You’re also going to be able to meet people who are like-minded and have similar values. Then all of a sudden, you’re hopefully going to see relationships start to blossom because you’ve put yourself in an environment that is safe for you but also an opportunity for you to branch out, but in a way that’s maybe going to feel again, safer and more desirable, because of the security that’s built-in. 

Steve Shallenberger: Would you say, Florence Ann, that you’d put that in the category of creating a strategy for improving friendships, it’s helpful to understand what attachment style you have?  

Florence Ann Romano: Yes, absolutely. No matter if it’s a romantic or platonic relationship, it’s about knowing how the circle works. I hate when people say, “It’s all about me, me, me,” it’s all selfish. “Well, I need this, I need to be spoken to like this, and I need…” It can’t be “gimme, gimme, gimme, grabby, grabby, grabby,” it has to be about also you understanding how you show up for other people. If your attachment style is different from the friendship you’re in or the romantic relationship you’re in, it doesn’t mean that that person’s wrong, and it doesn’t mean that you’re right. It just means that this is how God made you, and this is what feels most secure, most natural to you. But it also doesn’t mean that you can’t learn something from how your partner or your friend also attaches to people, communicates their love, or communicates their needs. Communication is the foundation here as well because I hate when people expect others to read your mind. If I’m not going to be able to tell you why I need to be treated a certain way, why certain things are a trigger, or why I feel like I need to express myself a certain way, it’s not fair to not communicate that to someone, to set them up for success in that relationship with you. 

Steve Shallenberger: Florence Ann, what have you found in your experience is the best way to initiate a discussion so you can end up on the same side of the table, solving things together, so you’re not attacking one another? 

Florence Ann Romano: Not attacking. I always say that you have to think about the end goal. What is it that you’re looking to accomplish here? If the end goal is that you’re trying to repair this relationship, continue dating in this relationship, or continue pursuing this friendship, you have to get to know the person well enough to be able to say, “All right, I know how this person thinks and processes, so I’m going to deliver this information and this content in a way that they can understand it, in a way that is not combative, in a way that is not critical. I’m going to be able to express myself in a way that they’re going to be able to take action then.” Because if you can think about the end goal and back into that, then you’re going to do a better job at probably laying down that conversation. But in order again, for you to be effective in asking for what you need, you have to figure out how that person is going to process the information you’re giving. I always say, “Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.” 

Steve Shallenberger: 15 years as a nanny—oh my goodness—I can’t imagine all the experiences that you’ve had. As a nanny, what advice do you have for parents to raise happy and successful children? 

Florence Ann Romano: Well, I think that the most precious takeaway I had as a nanny was seeing that when parents got out of their own way, regarding the guilt, or the competition that they felt with the nanny or other people in the children’s lives that the children loved. These parents opened their hearts to the fact that more love for the child is best—that it’s not a competition, and surrounding your child with as much love and support as they possibly can have is only going to benefit them and shape them into better people. That, to me, is the best thing you can do. The reason I’m so specific about that is because I very often found parents feel, especially with the nanny or other people that their child gravitated to in some way, they felt it somehow diminished them as the parents; that it devalued the love the child had for them. I would always say to parents that if you can think of the nanny or the caretaker, anyone else in your child’s life, as an aunt or an uncle or a godparent, wouldn’t you want your child to love those people? And the answer is always yes. So, if you can start casting those people in your life as honorable titles, then maybe it’s easier to digest for parents to understand that having access to more and more support and love is only going to help them. So, I think if we can do that, and also teach our children about charity and philanthropy and giving back and showing up for people and living a life in service of others, then I think we set our kids on the right path. But understanding that it’s supposed to be about how we show up for each other in this world. I think that’s the most important lesson for our kids to learn. 

Steve Shallenberger: That’s a lovely thought. So, in other words, embracing the community that is there and really using it to build wonderful, productive, satisfying, great lives. 

Florence Ann Romano: Amen. Also, understanding that you get to control that to the best of your ability. Just because someone is related to you or someone’s a part of your family, if that’s a toxic person, you have every right to protect your family, and you have every right to stand up for the values that your family has and align yourself with people that are similar to you in those ways. I’m not saying only to be friends with people who look like you and think like you. Of course, having diversity in that is important as well. But I’m saying that understanding that if you’re not born into the village that you wished you had, I was very lucky to be born into an old-school Italian family that taught me all of this about the village, and my cousins were my first best friends, and I did have what that old school village look like. But if you’re not born into that, I want to encourage people to know that you do deserve it and you’re worthy of it. You can go out and find it for yourself and build it for yourself, regardless of what you were born into. 

Steve Shallenberger: These are some deliberate thoughts, and I love them. I love the fact that you need to be the gatekeeper, of course, and be discerning about threats to your family, friendships, or whatever. Those are really insightful things. How about one last aspect, if you don’t mind? You may have had these opportunities in your experience about dealing with, say, a young person—10 or 12—in the early ages, where they might be on the fringe of special needs, autism, or showing some signs. How do you engage these kinds of young people and help them get on the right path so that they can have the best chance for success in their lives? 

Florence Ann Romano: It’s a beautiful question. I mentioned I’m the oldest of four—the second in line. My brother, Michael, has autism. He’s only 17 months younger than I am. I lead a lot of my life regarding research in terms of medicine and clinical care. You had mentioned some of my work at Lurie Children’s Hospital here in Chicago and Sesame Street. I am a big advocate of intervention and resources. I feel the best thing you can ever do for your child is get as much information as you can. That’s where connection in terms of community is so important, especially for parents with children with any sort of special needs. The online community is very strong, and that’s where you find a lot of resources and people are able to help give you ideas and brainstorm what worked for their child or how to get a child diagnosed; that feels like what’s a heavy lift, and you don’t know where to turn. But intervention, to me, is always the first step, giving your child access to everything they need in order to be successful and live the best version of their life. We have to remember that with special needs children and adults, we’re not trying to get them to understand our world and make them fit in our world. We’re trying to understand their world and make their world as comfortable and happy as we can for them. So, resources and intervention are the best ways to give your child the very best chance. 

Steve Shallenberger: Well, what a terrific interview we’ve had today. I can’t believe we’re almost at the end. But I want to be sure to allow time for any final tips you’d like to offer to me and our listeners today. 

Florence Ann Romano: I live my life by that Maya Angelou quote. I always love to quote it at the end of my interviews as often as I can: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I feel like if we can do that in our world, that’s a really powerful ripple effect. So, if you do anything today, I hope that the thing you go off and do is concentrate on how you make people feel. 

Steve Shallenberger: Wonderful, good advice. How can people find out about your book? How about what you’re doing? How can they find out about you? 

Florence Ann Romano: Go to my website, FlorenceAnn.com. My book is available there or anywhere books are sold. You can follow me on social media @FlorenceAnnRomano. I answer every direct message I get. So, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I’d like to think of myself as your virtual village. 

Steve Shallenberger: Wonderful. And tell us about “Build Your Village.” When was it published? How’s it gone? 

Florence Ann Romano: It’s been out about a year now. I created six archetypes in the book that you identify with: who of these six villagers am I, and who of these six villagers do I need? It’s kind of like when you’re doing the evaluation of what’s my love language? It’s you figuring out, well, what villager am I? And also, who do I need? Because remember, it’s not just about what I need from you; it’s also how do I show up for you. So, the book reads like a workbook in a lot of ways; you can go back to it and rework the steps no matter what you’re going through in life. Like I said, I hope it’s your True North. It also comes with gut checks and action steps to help you take control of your life not tomorrow, not a year from now, but today, in digestible, bite-sized content that doesn’t feel like a heavy lift. 

Steve Shallenberger: Thank you, Florence Ann Romano, for being our guest today. 

Florence Ann Romano: Thank you, Steve. It was such a pleasure. You are delightful. 

Steve Shallenberger: Thank you, and we wish you all the best. To our listeners, thank you for the privilege of having you join in. It’s an honor for us, and we wish you the best in all that you’re doing. This is Steve Shallenberger signing off. Have a great day.

Steve Shallenberger

Founder, Becoming Your Best

CEO, Executive, Corporate Trainer, Entrepreneur, and Community Leader

Florence Ann Romano

Personal Growth Strategist

Childcare Advocate, Personal Growth Strategist, Author, and Philanthropist

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